Saturday, July 23, 2005

Tour de Kerry

My daughter and I had a Volleyball Camp this morning. My dear wife and the twins were out at Grandma's making plum jelly, so Chaos and I swung through a drive through and grabbed some lunch on the way home.

We got back to the house about 1 PM. I set out my lunch and grabbed the remote to watch the Tour de France on the TIVO. So there I am relaxing in my chair watching the OLN coverage of this mornings time trial when the scariest thing I've ever seen at the tour popped up on the screen.

John Kerry!

I grabbed for the remote, screaming at my beloved first born "Don't Look! Cover Your Eyes."

Being a good kid who always does exactly as Daddy says she naturally looked at the TV.

So there we were, me fumbling for the remote trying to hit the fast forward button and my daughter trembling in fear begging me to make the scary man go away.

I finally got the fast forward button pushed and the sound ended. But the picture remained. We sat there transfixed in horror. Curious about what the long face was droning on about, but at the same time to terrified to find out.

Eventually I was overcome by curiosity and I turned the sound back on just in time to hear:

"I'm John Kerry, I used to ride bikes in France when I wasn't in Vietnam. I remember Christmas of 1968 sitting on a bike in France. I remember what it was like to be passed by Lance Armstrong in a time trial, and have the president of the United States telling the American people that I was not there; the peloton were not there. I have that memory which is seared -- seared -- in me. I still have the saddle that Eddy Merckx gave me that day. It's a cherished possesion of mine, even though it gave me blisters."

"Do you want to see my blisters?"

So if anyone out there is wondering how Lance Armstrong can ride a bike as fast as he does? I know the answer. Just how fast if would you ride if you knew that John Kerry was in the team car behind you?

All Lance heard in his radio ear piece today was the voice of Johann Bruyneel begging him "For the love of God Lance - ride faster. If I have to listen to one more memory that is seared into this blowhard's mind I swear to God, Lance, I'm going to run you over just so he can talk to the media while they investigate the accident."

I'd be riding fast also.

One last question for OLN. You are covering one of the most popular sporting events in Europe. Lance Armstrong is fixing to win his 22nd stage of his career and sew up the yellow jersey for an unprecidenced 7th time. There are thousands of Americans there to watch and cheer him on. There are hundreds of cycling folks who have worked or ridden with, against or for Lance Armstrong and the only guy you can find to interview is a failed presidential candidate? Next time how about putting some kind of viewer warning on the screen: "Warning the following interview is not suitable for small children or rational adults with a low tolerance for bluster, pugnaciousness, diffusion, misdirection, pomposity and an undeserved sense of moral and mental superiority."

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